


Unlovable

by TheDoctorAndRiversArmyOfPeppers



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-22 00:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9574232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDoctorAndRiversArmyOfPeppers/pseuds/TheDoctorAndRiversArmyOfPeppers
Summary: "What's up with you?" the Doctor asked in his gruff, Scottish accent which sounded groggy with sleep.River wondered what had woken him up, then realized she had a vice-like grip on his shoulder. She let go and moved her head onto her pillow, feeling thoroughly embarrassed."Nothing," River forced a smile and did her best to relax into his side.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> This fic is a little twentieth birthday present from me to me. I hope you enjoy it! :)

River Song was lying awake in her sleeping husbands arms in the bedroom of their Darillium cottage. She couldn't get to sleep no matter how tired she felt. Her mind was too occupied to allow her much needed rest.

The Doctor's eyebrows drew together, as they often did when someone in his dream was being stupid. River found it quite adorable.

She kept her eyes on him as he dreamt, and listened to his hearts beating strongly in his chest. Hearts she knew could never be hers.

The Doctor's older face didn't change the fact that he was beautiful. River had always found the Doctor to be a handsome man, whatever face he wore. He was lucky that way. Just as she was very lucky to have had him.

He had always been wonderful (well, nearly always, but nobody's perfect). River knew she was good, but she never believed she was good enough for him. She didn't think anyone was. She never entertained the thought that she might deserve him.

She didn't understand why the Doctor hadn't left yet. He had spent that day with her, without her knowing it was him, and saw the River she was when he wasn't around. And yet, he was still there. The Doctor was not a stupid man, but he could be a complete idiot sometimes.

River knew the Doctor better than anyone. She knew all his stories, all his secrets. She even knew his name. So she knew that the Doctor always ran away from his mistakes, and unfortunately that meant her, too. Now she was just waiting for him to realize that and run.

"What's up with you?" the Doctor asked in his gruff, Scottish accent which sounded groggy with sleep.

River wondered what had woken him up, then realized she had a vice-like grip on his shoulder. She let go and moved her head onto her pillow, feeling thoroughly embarrassed.

"Nothing," River forced a smile and did her best to relax into his side.

"No. We're not doing things like that anymore. Talk to me. I know there's something wrong, tell me what it is so I can fix it," he turned over to face his left so he could see her better.

She looked him in the eyes, fully intending to keep on lying to him. She didn't want him to leave. But the look on his face killed that idea. He was giving her his serious face, so she could tell he was going to keep on asking until she answered him truthfully. River took in a deep breath slowly and told herself there was no point in lying. No matter how much it hurt, she was going to have to tell him the truth. She was going to have to lose him. She looked away from him again, not wanting to see his face when he decides to leave her.

"You told me you loved me. You weren't even lying," she said, fixing her eyes firmly on the ceiling.

"That's a good thing, surely?"

"Yes, but I don't understand it. I'm an archaeologist, I kill people and I almost always carry weapons. I'm a psychopath, I flirt with strangers. I have no conscience. I am everything you hate. So how could you love me?" tears were threatening to fall so she tried blinking them away and hoped he wouldn't notice.

"Because you're you," the Doctor smiled. "When you love someone, the stuff about them you normally wouldn't like doesn't really matter. It may get on you're nerves occasionally, and sometimes it makes you really cross, but never enough for you to leave them. Sometimes it's even endearing. Because the person you fall in love with is _special._ And I know you understand that. But how could I not love you? You're trouble, I've always loved trouble. You're mad and clever and brave. You're beautiful and kind and big hearted. You're definitely not a psychopath. You're everything I love."

"I am a psychopath. That's what I was born to be." River insisted, eyes damp but still not quite believing him.

"No. You love me, you love your parents. You have a conscience, no matter how hard you try to hide it. I've seen the way you look after your students on archaeological digs. You behave like a mother to them. The only reason you think you're a psychopath is because that's what the Silence and everyone else told you you were. You are not and never were a psychopath. It's just one of the last illusions they've left you with. And that will never, _ever_ stop me loving you."

"Oh," was all she could think to say.

Then she bravely turned onto her side to face him and he placed a gentle hand on her cheek. River saw his face and the love and concern etched into his every feature. She sniffed and tried not to cry.

The Doctor stroked River's cheek with his thumb and she brought her own hand up and placed it over his and he smiled warmly.

"The other illusion, of course, is that you think you are unlovable. You are not unlovable. I have always loved you and I always will. And whatever you say or do, whatever I say or do, - and I'm going to keep telling you this until you get it into that daft head of yours - nothing will ever change that," he told her.

"I've never thought I was that," she answered quietly, tears now rolling freely down her face, unable to be stopped.

"Yes you have," he told her, wiping at her tears with his thumb. "All those other marriages, they were all so you could gain something or to win bets or whatever you were doing at the time. You married them by lying to them, and manipulating them. That only reinforced the misconception that no-one would marry you for _you._ As did you trying to hide part of yourself from me. In fact, the only person I know of who you married for love, you were convinced didn't love you back. You may not have thought it consciously, but you definitely believed it at some level. And it's an illusion I'd be more than happy to break."

The Doctor lent forwards and kissed River's lips gently as his hand slipped into her hair to cradle her head. He quickly pulled away and rested his forehead against hers sleepily, their noses brushing against each other.

"I know how you feel," the Doctor continued as his fingers played lazily with her curls. "I spent all those years with you believing I didn't deserve you. And I still believe it. I think you're wonderful. All the time I've known you, I've thought of you as a goddess I couldn't believe I was allowed to have. I don't understand why you'd want to spend your time with _me,_ I really don't. It's the biggest mystery I've ever encountered and I've been thinking about it a lot. And do you know what conclusion I've reached? It doesn't matter why someone loves you, it only matters that they _do._ So you shouldn't waste your time being confused by it. You should make the most of it while you still have time with them left. Now shut up, stop being all mopey, and get some sleep."

River didn't say anything, _couldn't_ say anything. She was utterly speechless. The Doctor wiped the fresh tears from her cheeks then pulled her closer to him as he rolled onto his back. She rested her head on his chest again, settling into his arms comfortably.

She felt a lot better, now she knew that he loved _her,_ instead of what he thought was her. And it can't have been possible, but River was sure the Doctor looked even more beautiful than ever. Perhaps it was just her. Brains are silly that way.

She watched him fall asleep again and smiled as she thought of the next twenty-four years, and how they'd be full of nights like this. Twenty-four years together, just her and _her_ Doctor. Now she could believe he wasn't going to leave. He wasn't going to feel like a prisoner, trapped with her in a hellish, near-endless night. He would be _happy._ That was all she wanted.

River took in the sent of him with a big lungful of air and listened to his hearts beating beneath her ear. Hearts she knew were completely and undoubtedly hers. She felt her eyes begin to well up again.

Because, for the first time in her life, River Song felt loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! :)


End file.
